I’ve been hanging out with this guy for two months. We talk a lot, we go out on dates a lot. But I have noticed that he keeps bringing up his ex-girlfriends and how he only dates ‘queens’, and that he has such good taste in women. I think he means this as a compliment to me but I don’t like him constantly bringing up his exes and bragging about how hot/accomplished they are. Is this a problem I should address with him before I decide if I want to date him seriously?
It’s probably a sign that your partner hasn’t moved on. Address this issue with him and tell him that past is gone. You should focus on your future for a better relationship.
James Njoki, via email.
It is a problem as long as it makes you feel uncomfortable, and therefore you should not wait too long before you address it with him. His spending quality time with you on your dates tells me that he loves you, and therefore you should take advantage of that opportunity and talk to him about what you feel when he keeps spelling out his exes’ achievements. Try to find out why he tells you these things. However, you should preoccupy yourself with what you have achieved and what you aim at achieving, and even ask him to help you pursue your goals. That way, he will have very little attention to pay to his past, but will embrace you centrally in his life. All the best at it.
Muchira Gachenge, via email.
Maybe he is proud of his exes. Maybe he is friends with them. Maybe he is still in love with them. Maybe he isn’t. Only he knows, but even if you asked him, I’m sure he wouldn’t be honest enough to confess to loving someone else. I think you should just tell him how you feel about his conversation topics. If he respects you he will stop – and that’s all that matters. Otherwise at least you know all the glowing things he will say about you when you break up!
Lillianne Mary, via email.
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Maurice Matheka, a relationship counsellor answers:
In my opinion, you don’t actually have a problem to address because as you have indicated, you are good friends and have fun together which explains why he is free with the information he shares.
You are just a friend so he probably does not see any reason for you to be irritated or offended by his topics of discussion. Unless he lacks in social skills I would think his discussions with you would be different if you were his girlfriend.
In my view, he is free with you because as his friend, he trusts that he can share anything without judgement.
But even if you do date him, you should refrain from being too strict otherwise you will nurture a relationship where he is not free to share anything with you. It could also limit his attraction towards you if you end up being a girlfriend who has too many rules based on insecurities.